chapter vi: chemo cycle #1
A lot has happened over the last three weeks. I sat down multiple times to add to this blog but couldn’t really find the words. In the middle of my first full cycle of chemo, I was either unable or unwilling to process what I was experiencing. But here I sit, on day three of cycle two and I have had a couple of days to think on what we have been through this far.
Cycle 1, Part 1 started off pretty uneventful. A week-long hospital stay, but with minimal side effects (namely just fatigue). The best (and also hardest) part was having the kids come visit. All I kept thinking was, “This is not how it’s supposed to be. This shouldn’t be happening until they are grown with kids of their own and I’m much older.” Although this process is taking a toll on our whole family, it definitely feels like the biggest impact is on Judah and Karis.
Thankfully, after Part 1 of Cycle 1, I was able to come home for a few days. I was so excited to be back with my family, but also had no idea what was waiting for me the following morning. When I woke up on Thursday, I noticed a headache that hadn’t been there before. It worsened as the day went on, to the point where I knew we needed to visit The James’ Immediate Care Center. They explained that I was experiencing a “spinal tap headache.” Unfortunately, after a caffeine IV and a fluid IV, I was feeling pretty much the same. We went back home for the night…. but because of the pain and the caffeine, I didn’t sleep a wink. Friday brought more of the same pain, and Friday night was another sleepless night. By Saturday morning, I felt like I was at a 10 out of 10 on the pain scale. At this point, I was in too much pain to read, watch TV, talk to people, or really do anything other than lay in bed and cry out to the Lord. Thankfully when we returned to the ICC, they let us know that there was another option for handling the pain. They would do what is known as a blood patch. Essentially, they would take some of my own blood and use it to clot the leak in my spinal column that was causing the imbalance of fluids and the pain. While getting another needle stuck into your spinal column for the third time in 2 weeks is not something I would wish on my worst enemy, it did allow me to go home and sleep for the first time in 60+ hours! When I woke up on Sunday morning (Mother’s Day), I felt like a brand new man! Feeling the way I did, I told Kelsey, “Today is the day we need to give the kids the present we’ve been holding for them.” And that’s where this blog post takes a turn for the better….
We called up our good friend Meghan McGuire to see if she could swing by and take pictures of the kids opening their present. They were very excited to have a present to open, but when they saw it was just clothes they were a little disappointed. The shirt for Judah said “oldest”. The shirt for Karis had “youngest” crossed out and “middle” written underneath. Then there was a mysterious third piece of clothing: a newborn onesie that said “youngest.” Karis can’t read at all yet and Judah is just learning so it took them a while to piece it together. Once they did, they were so excited! Karis couldn’t stop lifting up Mommy’s shirt and kissing her belly. Baby Walne #3 is due this November and we are thrilled! Kelsey is 15 weeks pregnant and doing great. She is truly a beast and I am constantly blown away by her in this crazy season we find ourselves in (pregnancy, cancer treatments, wedding busy season, and all the other everyday life things). Mother’s Day this year definitely looked different but was still really special. My dad grilled steaks and veggies. After having almost no meat for several weeks, that steak was the most delicious-tasting thing I had ever had in my life (even though I had to eat it medium-well to avoid bacteria instead of medium-rare - the correct way to eat a steak). The weather was beautiful and we spent most of the day outside as a family.
After 4 days at home, it was time to go back to The James for Part 2 of Cycle 1. This time I would check in not knowing when I was leaving. One of the chemo treatments I would receive needed to be fully processed by my kidneys before I would be allowed to leave. We were told to plan on 5-7 days. It ended up being 7. This round of chemo was much different than the first and I, unfortunately, experienced multiple side effects (constipation, headache, and severe mouth sores). I won’t go into all the thrilling details but let’s just say my entire GI tract was responding negatively to the chemo. I was thankful to be in the hospital for all of this though because they were able to respond quickly with different drugs to help ease the suffering. When Sunday rolled around, it was time to come home again. At this point, nothing else could be done and my body just needed to process and heal… which is no easy task when my white blood cell count is basically 0. The first few days at home were not fun but I was so glad to be back with my family. By about Thursday, the tide started to shift and by the weekend, I again felt like a new man once again. I was able to go to our church on Sunday for the first time since Easter, five weeks before. There was a block party afterward and it was so fun to see people and thank them for all that they had done for us.
We have been BLOWN AWAY by the incredible love, service, generosity, and kindness we have received from SO MANY people over the last three weeks. Here are just a few highlights:
Our yard looks better than it ever has: all of our beds were weeded and mulched by our YL team. A dream walkway complete with string lights has been put in our backyard. There were 14 people from Three Creeks Church sweating it out all afternoon one day at our house, many of whom we haven’t even had the chance to meet yet (as we just started going to the church this spring). We already totally feel like family.
Both sets of our parents have flown up from Florida to act as nanny, nurse, cleaning service, laundry service, chef, uber driver, and so much more.
Our lawn is being mowed weekly by a friend who texted and simply said “Don’t worry about mowing your yard this year, I got it.”
We have had so many delicious meals dropped off.
We have received countless gift cards, gifts, notes, and more in our inboxes and mailbox.
We’ve had help with our kids whenever we've asked, and they have gone on more adventures in the last month than probably the last year combined!
And we could go on and on…
From the beginning of this, I felt like the Lord was calling me to suffer well in this season. I wasn’t sure exactly what that meant (and if I’m honest it felt pretty scary) but I felt confident that was my calling (Philippians 1:12-14, 20). The ways we have felt lavished with encouragement, prayer, and support from our friends and family, both near and far, has truly been an incredible blessing and has really helped enable me to live in to that calling. I pray that all of those I interact with both inside and outside the hospital would see that I am suffering differently… not because I am strong willed or brave or even because I am surrounded by so much support. I pray that they would see that I am suffering differently because this earth is not my home and that my eternity is secure and that no matter what happens, God is good… either way (see 2 Corinthians 4 and 5 - well worth a deep read over a cup of coffee). His promises do not change (Isaiah 40:8) and my faith in Him, praise the Lord, has only become more real and deep over the last month. Please join me in praying that I would continue to suffer well. Please also pray for my family, especially my amazing and pregnant wife and our THREE kids, that the peace that surpasses understanding (Philippians 4:6) would be present in each of them and that they would tangibly feel the presence of the God who promises to be close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).
Two passages that have been constantly on my mind over the last three weeks are:
“And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died.”
1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 NLT
“‘That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.’”
Matthew 6:25-34 NLT
If you made it this far, thanks for reading. We love you all and could not do this journey alone. We have felt so loved, supported, and carried in prayer throughout this entire process. Thank you.